random

I miss you
So tired
I want you back, please.

Thank goodness sleep is coming soon because then I don't have to think about you not being here but dream about being with you.

p.s. i love you

I am sitting here at Ayden's grave. I don't know why i am feeling extra anxious. You know how sometimes when you know there is something bothering you and you can't pin point it. I hate that.
I just left my friend's house were we had a playgroup. They are great women, i am very thankful for them. It kills me that after we all leave, I go to see Ayden. He should be physically there, smiling, laughing, playing, but he isn't and i visit him at the cemetery. There is just something wrong with that.
A couple days ago i woke up and saw doghead on my pillow and it was during a time ayden would be sleeping. For a brief second i had so much relief on my heart and i think it is because i believed for a second that he was just sleeping in his room and he is ok. How i wish.
Thanks for letting me vent a little. :) i just needed a quick outlet and i guess this is the one i chose.
Oh and i am seeing a lot of ay in aurora. It is cute - she is a very happy girl.

random

Most things that deal with my grief are so hard for me to explain. Then sometimes you find words that you can totally relate to and it makes you almost feel better/relieved, even if it is just for the moment the words enter your head.. Perhaps because it releases some of the thoughts that are consuming my mind/body/heart. Here is one I saw today.

‎"Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, ...but part of her is elsewhere for eternity." ~Donna Jones

"just keep swiming"

I really shouldn't go this long with out writing. Even though not too much has changed - you know other than the addition of our baby girl Aurora. We have gone from a Family of 3 to 4. What a blessing she is. It has been extremely difficult adding her to our family, but slowly we have been able to separate her and Ayden. I just wish death wasn't so final, it is one of those things in life that you can't change. I still find myself praying for a miracle to bring him back, even though I know it isn't possible. One day I was at his gravesite and I prayed just that, for Ayden to come back, the second after I said those words I heard the horn of the train --Ayden is buried next to a train track, perfect for a little boy. I can hear the train from my home and I always think it's a little part of Ayden -- Anyways, after I heard the train coming I started to cry and smile. It was like God was telling me I still had him. Perhaps it's silly, but it's those little things that keep me going.

The other day was particularly a hard day. This might all sound crazy, I just needed to experience something familiar. Well I walked into Ayden's room and I set up his bed like I would for him. I laid out his Supra Car PJs where he would lay, those are the last thing he wore, I haven't and wont ever wash them. I laid dog head next to his pjs, turned on his music and his twilight turtle, then laid down in his bed like we would every night before he would go to sleep. That is where I stayed the whole night. I haven't listened to his bedtime music since he passed away. It brings back so many memories, of course some are good and some are tough. After Ayden passed away - Kenji and I held Ayden in the hospital bed. We turned on his music and his twilight turtle and sat there for hours holding him. It was like we were putting him to bed for the last time. I miss him.

Oh - his monument was placed a couple days before Aurora was born. I was so excited to see it. The day after we came home from the hospital Kenji planted flowers in front of his monument while Rors and I hung out in the car. I wish that he was here to see her and play with her. I would love to hold them and cuddle them both together! I like to think that he had something to do with her making or perhaps they met each other. I mean he went to Heaven and she came from Heaven, right? maybe? lol. Another one of those little "keep me going" things. :)

Beauty Will Rise

In the beginning, it was definitely "easier". I use this word easy, loosely. As time goes on it does get harder, unfortunately. I remember the weekend that I went from I can do this to I can't. From with God and my Faith, I can do this because I know I will see him again, to a complete mess with no hope to even be happy again. That weekend was awful, not my lowest but it sticks out. On Monday morning, I woke up to a CD on top of my laptop, courtesy of my wonderful Husband. It was Steven Curtis Chapman's CD, "Beauty Will Rise". This CD has done amazing things for me. Steven Curtis Chapman lost his daughter not too long ago and wrote this CD with his experience in dealing with the loss of his own daughter and his Faith. I sat there that morning and listened to every song and still to this day I haven't stopped playing it. I remember listening to it the first time in shock because I was surprised that this man was singing words right out of my head. Of course I'm not musically inclined and could never express myself that well! I am so Thankful for the words he has written. The song, "Beauty Will Rise, gives kenji and I both so much hope that we even put a verse on Ayden's monument. When I read these words I can actually truly, genuinely smile because of the truth behind them. The song talks about that even out of a horrible time, that we have a promise and the hope that through Jesus we will have eternal life and of course "beauty will rise"

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
and sift through the ashes that are left
behind

But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
we have this hope:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can't believe I will believe
for you.

Cuz I have seen
the signs of spring!
Just watch and see:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...

I can hear it in the distance
and it's not too far away.
It's the music and the laughter
of a wedding and a feast.
I can almost feel the hand of God
reaching for my face
to wipe the tears away, and say,
"It's time to make everything new."

"Make it all new"

This is our hope.
This is the promise.
This is our hope.
This is the promise.
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that's been made
out of the ashes...
out of the ashes...
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that He's made
out of the ashes...
out of the ashes...

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of this darkness... new life will shine
and we'll know the joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...beauty will rise!

Oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, Beauty will rise

And much to my excitement. Steven Curtis Chapman is creating new merchandise, as most bands do. He previewed one of the tshirts and it has these words on them. Makes me happy!
http://chapmanchannel.typepad.com/jim/2010/03/sneak-peak.html

"Dada-da"

It's one of those days were my thoughts are so hard to put into words. It's funny how one day I could constantly write all day about everything because things and emotions are changing every second and if I did do that I could probably have a novel in just one day, I will refrain. Today is just a constant immense amount of heartache, pain, and yearning to have what I once had. Even though I have this every day today it is just blocking me from even understanding what I am feeling even though I am still feeling it! While I am sitting here trying to think of how to explain my thoughts I find that sometimes it's almost like I am in denial about him even being gone. How can someone so "perfect" still not be here? It doesn't make any sense. Perhaps that is why it's so hard to wrap my head around everything. Who knows anymore.

Today is my laundry day, well I don't really have a designated laundry day just whenever it feels right. For some reason from time to time an article of Ayden's clothing ends up in the washer. Usually it's just a sock but today it was one of his tshirts. I held up the tshirt, with of course my tears and I just hugged it as if he was wearing it. I could see where his arms would be and everything. I wish he was truly there. Even then as I am hugging an empty shirt, I still can't understand why he isn't here. Even though I lived it. I physically held him in my arms when he was no longer here, more than once. It should be very obvious that he isn't here. Sometimes I think it's just too hard to come to terms with and it's my minds way of protecting me.

Yesterday, Kenji came home from work and went straight to the computer. All he said was that he was just playing this one video in his head all day and he was wanting to look for it. So he sat there and watched it. I don't know if he knew but I was watching him. It's amazing that in only one minute how many emotions a face can show without ever really moving. Even as I write this now it breaks my heart. I could see how proud and all the love that Kenji has for Ayden and almost the relief that he got just out of seeing that minute of our little boy. But beyond that I could see the yearning, the pain, the heartache that he is facing. Kenji was commenting on how much he was smiling and I think he was looking forward to hearing the "dada -da" (that's what he called kenji around this time, then it just went to dada as he got older) that he hasn't heard for months in person. Ayden was truly a daddy's boy and that didn't bother me in the slightest. Yes, I would joke about it but I was so proud of the bond they had together because I knew one day Ayden would grow up to be just like Kenji. I use to get so much enjoyment out of watching them interact with each other. Ayden was and still is everything to that man. He is the best Dad and I believe that isn't just me being bias. :) I'll share the video that he was watching. Ayden was around 14 months old. He makes us smile.

Little polite man

I miss him - I just want to pick him up out of the video.

"Cheese" "water" "thank you"