I am sitting here at Ayden's grave. I don't know why i am feeling extra anxious. You know how sometimes when you know there is something bothering you and you can't pin point it. I hate that.
I just left my friend's house were we had a playgroup. They are great women, i am very thankful for them. It kills me that after we all leave, I go to see Ayden. He should be physically there, smiling, laughing, playing, but he isn't and i visit him at the cemetery. There is just something wrong with that.
A couple days ago i woke up and saw doghead on my pillow and it was during a time ayden would be sleeping. For a brief second i had so much relief on my heart and i think it is because i believed for a second that he was just sleeping in his room and he is ok. How i wish.
Thanks for letting me vent a little. :) i just needed a quick outlet and i guess this is the one i chose.
Oh and i am seeing a lot of ay in aurora. It is cute - she is a very happy girl.

random

Most things that deal with my grief are so hard for me to explain. Then sometimes you find words that you can totally relate to and it makes you almost feel better/relieved, even if it is just for the moment the words enter your head.. Perhaps because it releases some of the thoughts that are consuming my mind/body/heart. Here is one I saw today.

‎"Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, ...but part of her is elsewhere for eternity." ~Donna Jones