random

I miss you
So tired
I want you back, please.

Thank goodness sleep is coming soon because then I don't have to think about you not being here but dream about being with you.

p.s. i love you

I am sitting here at Ayden's grave. I don't know why i am feeling extra anxious. You know how sometimes when you know there is something bothering you and you can't pin point it. I hate that.
I just left my friend's house were we had a playgroup. They are great women, i am very thankful for them. It kills me that after we all leave, I go to see Ayden. He should be physically there, smiling, laughing, playing, but he isn't and i visit him at the cemetery. There is just something wrong with that.
A couple days ago i woke up and saw doghead on my pillow and it was during a time ayden would be sleeping. For a brief second i had so much relief on my heart and i think it is because i believed for a second that he was just sleeping in his room and he is ok. How i wish.
Thanks for letting me vent a little. :) i just needed a quick outlet and i guess this is the one i chose.
Oh and i am seeing a lot of ay in aurora. It is cute - she is a very happy girl.

random

Most things that deal with my grief are so hard for me to explain. Then sometimes you find words that you can totally relate to and it makes you almost feel better/relieved, even if it is just for the moment the words enter your head.. Perhaps because it releases some of the thoughts that are consuming my mind/body/heart. Here is one I saw today.

‎"Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, ...but part of her is elsewhere for eternity." ~Donna Jones

"just keep swiming"

I really shouldn't go this long with out writing. Even though not too much has changed - you know other than the addition of our baby girl Aurora. We have gone from a Family of 3 to 4. What a blessing she is. It has been extremely difficult adding her to our family, but slowly we have been able to separate her and Ayden. I just wish death wasn't so final, it is one of those things in life that you can't change. I still find myself praying for a miracle to bring him back, even though I know it isn't possible. One day I was at his gravesite and I prayed just that, for Ayden to come back, the second after I said those words I heard the horn of the train --Ayden is buried next to a train track, perfect for a little boy. I can hear the train from my home and I always think it's a little part of Ayden -- Anyways, after I heard the train coming I started to cry and smile. It was like God was telling me I still had him. Perhaps it's silly, but it's those little things that keep me going.

The other day was particularly a hard day. This might all sound crazy, I just needed to experience something familiar. Well I walked into Ayden's room and I set up his bed like I would for him. I laid out his Supra Car PJs where he would lay, those are the last thing he wore, I haven't and wont ever wash them. I laid dog head next to his pjs, turned on his music and his twilight turtle, then laid down in his bed like we would every night before he would go to sleep. That is where I stayed the whole night. I haven't listened to his bedtime music since he passed away. It brings back so many memories, of course some are good and some are tough. After Ayden passed away - Kenji and I held Ayden in the hospital bed. We turned on his music and his twilight turtle and sat there for hours holding him. It was like we were putting him to bed for the last time. I miss him.

Oh - his monument was placed a couple days before Aurora was born. I was so excited to see it. The day after we came home from the hospital Kenji planted flowers in front of his monument while Rors and I hung out in the car. I wish that he was here to see her and play with her. I would love to hold them and cuddle them both together! I like to think that he had something to do with her making or perhaps they met each other. I mean he went to Heaven and she came from Heaven, right? maybe? lol. Another one of those little "keep me going" things. :)

Beauty Will Rise

In the beginning, it was definitely "easier". I use this word easy, loosely. As time goes on it does get harder, unfortunately. I remember the weekend that I went from I can do this to I can't. From with God and my Faith, I can do this because I know I will see him again, to a complete mess with no hope to even be happy again. That weekend was awful, not my lowest but it sticks out. On Monday morning, I woke up to a CD on top of my laptop, courtesy of my wonderful Husband. It was Steven Curtis Chapman's CD, "Beauty Will Rise". This CD has done amazing things for me. Steven Curtis Chapman lost his daughter not too long ago and wrote this CD with his experience in dealing with the loss of his own daughter and his Faith. I sat there that morning and listened to every song and still to this day I haven't stopped playing it. I remember listening to it the first time in shock because I was surprised that this man was singing words right out of my head. Of course I'm not musically inclined and could never express myself that well! I am so Thankful for the words he has written. The song, "Beauty Will Rise, gives kenji and I both so much hope that we even put a verse on Ayden's monument. When I read these words I can actually truly, genuinely smile because of the truth behind them. The song talks about that even out of a horrible time, that we have a promise and the hope that through Jesus we will have eternal life and of course "beauty will rise"

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
and sift through the ashes that are left
behind

But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
we have this hope:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can't believe I will believe
for you.

Cuz I have seen
the signs of spring!
Just watch and see:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...

I can hear it in the distance
and it's not too far away.
It's the music and the laughter
of a wedding and a feast.
I can almost feel the hand of God
reaching for my face
to wipe the tears away, and say,
"It's time to make everything new."

"Make it all new"

This is our hope.
This is the promise.
This is our hope.
This is the promise.
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that's been made
out of the ashes...
out of the ashes...
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that He's made
out of the ashes...
out of the ashes...

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of this darkness... new life will shine
and we'll know the joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...beauty will rise!

Oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, Beauty will rise

And much to my excitement. Steven Curtis Chapman is creating new merchandise, as most bands do. He previewed one of the tshirts and it has these words on them. Makes me happy!
http://chapmanchannel.typepad.com/jim/2010/03/sneak-peak.html

"Dada-da"

It's one of those days were my thoughts are so hard to put into words. It's funny how one day I could constantly write all day about everything because things and emotions are changing every second and if I did do that I could probably have a novel in just one day, I will refrain. Today is just a constant immense amount of heartache, pain, and yearning to have what I once had. Even though I have this every day today it is just blocking me from even understanding what I am feeling even though I am still feeling it! While I am sitting here trying to think of how to explain my thoughts I find that sometimes it's almost like I am in denial about him even being gone. How can someone so "perfect" still not be here? It doesn't make any sense. Perhaps that is why it's so hard to wrap my head around everything. Who knows anymore.

Today is my laundry day, well I don't really have a designated laundry day just whenever it feels right. For some reason from time to time an article of Ayden's clothing ends up in the washer. Usually it's just a sock but today it was one of his tshirts. I held up the tshirt, with of course my tears and I just hugged it as if he was wearing it. I could see where his arms would be and everything. I wish he was truly there. Even then as I am hugging an empty shirt, I still can't understand why he isn't here. Even though I lived it. I physically held him in my arms when he was no longer here, more than once. It should be very obvious that he isn't here. Sometimes I think it's just too hard to come to terms with and it's my minds way of protecting me.

Yesterday, Kenji came home from work and went straight to the computer. All he said was that he was just playing this one video in his head all day and he was wanting to look for it. So he sat there and watched it. I don't know if he knew but I was watching him. It's amazing that in only one minute how many emotions a face can show without ever really moving. Even as I write this now it breaks my heart. I could see how proud and all the love that Kenji has for Ayden and almost the relief that he got just out of seeing that minute of our little boy. But beyond that I could see the yearning, the pain, the heartache that he is facing. Kenji was commenting on how much he was smiling and I think he was looking forward to hearing the "dada -da" (that's what he called kenji around this time, then it just went to dada as he got older) that he hasn't heard for months in person. Ayden was truly a daddy's boy and that didn't bother me in the slightest. Yes, I would joke about it but I was so proud of the bond they had together because I knew one day Ayden would grow up to be just like Kenji. I use to get so much enjoyment out of watching them interact with each other. Ayden was and still is everything to that man. He is the best Dad and I believe that isn't just me being bias. :) I'll share the video that he was watching. Ayden was around 14 months old. He makes us smile.

Little polite man

I miss him - I just want to pick him up out of the video.

"Cheese" "water" "thank you"

nights vs. mornings

I'm always so relieved to go to bed at night - it is the time that I feel I have an excuse to try and rest my head. I'm usually totally emotionally exhausted by the time i go to bed. The relief is well welcomed, even though I am asleep and unaware. I do wake up multiple times and I am usually awake for a few hours in the middle of the night but I'll take it, my poor husband could leave it tho. It's also the time I find myself praying a lot. God has heard the same prayers over and over and I purposefully try to pray for 5 other people because it's so easy to stay in the same continious circle. I often even forget to pray for the little one growing inside of me. It's amazing how grief can consume your whole being.

As it's a relief to go to bed at night, for me, it's slightly another story waking up in the morning. I find that I always have a song in my head when I wake up in the morning. For some reason it's there, I don't even know when I think of it but it's usually a song that reminds me of Ayden. This morning it was, "Spring is Coming" by Steven Curtis Chapman. Probably because I could hear the bird outside that made a little nest on our house. So before I even open my eyes are hear this song, it's a sense of relief. When I finally have the courage to open my eyes and reality slowly starts to come back. I usually notice the lovely headache that I have from the tears that were cried the day prior. I see his picture on the wall and it hits me again like a semi. I try to control all the emotions and grab dog head (Ayden's favorite stuffed animal). Dog head still smells like Ayden, it's nice. I think I could stay in bed all day, if it wasn't for a two bountiful Bichons I probably would.

Currently I'm eating Baked Ruffles - Cheddar and Sour Cream. I can hear ayden saying, "yummmm.." in my head. So clearly - like he is here eating them with me. These little things make me smile. I wonder if in Heaven he is still a little boy or if he will be an older boy or even an older man. I mean when someone passes away and they are 95 years old, can they still age? I could probably type all day but I wont. Leave some for later - I will post one of my favorite pictures. I remember when I took this picture thinking that whatever these two are looking at must make them really happy! That would be me ;)

Silent scream

This weekend was awful, well as far as dealing with the loss of my babe. I had a hard time accepting it, well as much as you can, because I don't know if I will ever accept it fully. Saturday was better than Sunday. I felt like I cried all day yesterday, I just wanted to scream, but I couldn't. All I could do it cry and dwell on having to live my life without him. In 14 years I will only be 40 years old - 14 years seem so far away. I can't even fathom living for 14 years like this - but I will ONLY be 40 years old. I have never before now wished I was an old woman.

Today is the 22nd of March, it has been 4 months since Ayden's "accident". It has been 4 months since I have heard his voice, seen his smile, heard his laugh, or even looked into his eyes. I guess I should explain some of what happened to Ayden. He was born with some awful defects to his respiratory system and heart. You would never know by looking at him and we didn't know. All the tests that he had came out negative. We went above and beyond to figure out why my child couldn't catch a common cold, but everything always came out fine. In fact, as he got older he got better. He was on Asthma medicine that worked wonders for him. He could catch a cold and it be a normal cold. Well on November 22, 2009, the worse day of my life, Ayden aspirated and we nor the doctors were unable to unblock his airways for an hour. He went into cardiac arrest and was without oxygen for an hour. The doctors were confused and unsure why it took so long to "unblock" his airway. Later while at Children's hospital they noticed in a xray that his breathing tube was being pushed to the side. They feared that he still had something blocking his airway, so they put a camera down his airway to check it out. Then we found out why Ayden's airways was never truly "unblocked". In fact, there had been a permanent blockage there for his whole life. He had trachea stenosis, which is the narrowing of the airways. Ayden's airway was 2 times smaller than it should be, about 2mm. Then he had a Pulmonary Vein Sling that wrapped around part of his trachea which made his trachea even smaller and created a large blockage. and he had pulmonary veins of the heart.

It kills me daily, probably even hourly, that I was unaware of his issues. I wish I would have known, I wish I could have saved him, I wish I did more for him. I know there were many opportunities to find out his issues, I am also aware that they were very severe and surgery would have been extensive. We like to think that God was protecting Ayden from something worse. What can be worse? I don't know what could be. The only thing I can think of is him going through all the pain of surgery and not making it and I would have had much less time with him than I did. I must say he did have an amazing 22 months of life and gave us the best 22 months ever. Does that make it better? Again, i dunno. Here we go with that silent screaming again. I just don't know! I would have done ANYTHING for him, anything to protect him, but I keep having to remind myself that i'm not always in control and that God is. I just want him back, I want all of this to go away. Kenji, my husband, always tells me that God wasn't protecting us but protecting Ayden, protecting Ayden from a lot more pain.. Still so hard to understand and grasp, even though I JUST typed it out.

So again, today is the 22nd. I know it's just a number but it impacts me tremendously. Life will never be the same because of that day. Ayden brought so much happiness to my life and I'm having a hard time finding my happiness, mainly because it's in Heaven.

Earlier this morning I had to bring one of our Dogs to the vet, the assistant calls us back and says, "oh kenji didn't get to join you today." Pleasantly surprised because I always like hearing Kenji's name and I told him unfortunately work had a hold of him. Then he says, "You must have also been able to get a babysitter too." I just started to cry. I feel bad for the people that have to interact with me, but please never feel bad for making me cry. I much rather hear Ayden's name and talk about him then not, even if it causes tears to shed. This was one of the first times that someone was very well aware of my child and unaware of what happened. I had always wondered if the women in walmart would ask about him, but I never thought that the male vet assistant would remember my little man. I guess why wouldn't he remember Ayden? He was pretty unforgettable.

Speaking of walmart, I was there today, grocery shopping. I have gone grocery shopping maybe only a handful of times by myself since Ayden passed. it hurts not having Ayden there with me to keep me company. He use to love helping me out and throwing stuff into the cart for me. There were lots of moms with their children today, which is totally fine, I use to be one of those moms. I just feel like now i'm in this bubble just rolling around. Anyone can look at me and at first glance one would probably notice that I am very pregnant and I am married. But there is so much more, probably why I wear a necklace with Ayden's picture. It hurts that at first glance people don't see that I am the mother of this precious little boy. Of course it is no ones fault and I don't expect people to know what they don't see. Who's to say that the woman shopping next to me isn't going through the same thing? I just wish he was there with me, because he is such a big part of me and I wish I could physically show that. So for now, i wear a necklace with his smiling face.

Can the words grief and happiness be used in the same blog?

Well, I hope you fell upon this blog by accident and not because you are searching for other mother's who have lost a child. If you are a mother who has gone through the pain of losing a child. I am sorry. Even from one grieving mother to the next. There are no words. Honestly, I usually don't even know how to explain what I am feeling to my closest friends or even my Husband. All I can tell you is that you are an outstanding mother and will always be one, no matter if you are 26 years old, like me, or 102.

I guess I started this blog because i find myself constantly having continuous, exhausting thoughts going through my head. Yes, I do try to write it out in a journal, but it's almost like my hands aren't fast enough. Then when I try to talk them out with my husband, I never know what to say. It's like all these thoughts just translate into tears when spoken out loud. Not that tears are a bad thing, i expect to cry them everyday, but then all my thoughts are still where they started, still in my head, wearing me down.

So if you are reading this, I will have to apologize in advance. I will probably repeat the same things often because the same thoughts go through my head often. Sometimes I will probably say what seems like the wrong things or sometimes I wont say enough. I am sure that my words will be sad, angry and depressing but hopefully there will be happy and encouraging words too. But I guess there are no rules with grief, right? Hopefully not, because I am sure I would probably break them all. Oh and if my words aren't helping you and causing you more stress with your grief, please don't read them. I by no means what to make someone's grief harder.

Hopefully, this blog with bring out the story of an amazing boy who brought nothing by Happiness. I find myself using the word Happiness with Ayden's name often. It seems to fit. I want nothing but to keep his memory alive - a positive memory of him. One that when people think of our Family they see an amazing boy with a big smile and a beautiful heart.