"Dada-da"

It's one of those days were my thoughts are so hard to put into words. It's funny how one day I could constantly write all day about everything because things and emotions are changing every second and if I did do that I could probably have a novel in just one day, I will refrain. Today is just a constant immense amount of heartache, pain, and yearning to have what I once had. Even though I have this every day today it is just blocking me from even understanding what I am feeling even though I am still feeling it! While I am sitting here trying to think of how to explain my thoughts I find that sometimes it's almost like I am in denial about him even being gone. How can someone so "perfect" still not be here? It doesn't make any sense. Perhaps that is why it's so hard to wrap my head around everything. Who knows anymore.

Today is my laundry day, well I don't really have a designated laundry day just whenever it feels right. For some reason from time to time an article of Ayden's clothing ends up in the washer. Usually it's just a sock but today it was one of his tshirts. I held up the tshirt, with of course my tears and I just hugged it as if he was wearing it. I could see where his arms would be and everything. I wish he was truly there. Even then as I am hugging an empty shirt, I still can't understand why he isn't here. Even though I lived it. I physically held him in my arms when he was no longer here, more than once. It should be very obvious that he isn't here. Sometimes I think it's just too hard to come to terms with and it's my minds way of protecting me.

Yesterday, Kenji came home from work and went straight to the computer. All he said was that he was just playing this one video in his head all day and he was wanting to look for it. So he sat there and watched it. I don't know if he knew but I was watching him. It's amazing that in only one minute how many emotions a face can show without ever really moving. Even as I write this now it breaks my heart. I could see how proud and all the love that Kenji has for Ayden and almost the relief that he got just out of seeing that minute of our little boy. But beyond that I could see the yearning, the pain, the heartache that he is facing. Kenji was commenting on how much he was smiling and I think he was looking forward to hearing the "dada -da" (that's what he called kenji around this time, then it just went to dada as he got older) that he hasn't heard for months in person. Ayden was truly a daddy's boy and that didn't bother me in the slightest. Yes, I would joke about it but I was so proud of the bond they had together because I knew one day Ayden would grow up to be just like Kenji. I use to get so much enjoyment out of watching them interact with each other. Ayden was and still is everything to that man. He is the best Dad and I believe that isn't just me being bias. :) I'll share the video that he was watching. Ayden was around 14 months old. He makes us smile.