Silent scream

This weekend was awful, well as far as dealing with the loss of my babe. I had a hard time accepting it, well as much as you can, because I don't know if I will ever accept it fully. Saturday was better than Sunday. I felt like I cried all day yesterday, I just wanted to scream, but I couldn't. All I could do it cry and dwell on having to live my life without him. In 14 years I will only be 40 years old - 14 years seem so far away. I can't even fathom living for 14 years like this - but I will ONLY be 40 years old. I have never before now wished I was an old woman.

Today is the 22nd of March, it has been 4 months since Ayden's "accident". It has been 4 months since I have heard his voice, seen his smile, heard his laugh, or even looked into his eyes. I guess I should explain some of what happened to Ayden. He was born with some awful defects to his respiratory system and heart. You would never know by looking at him and we didn't know. All the tests that he had came out negative. We went above and beyond to figure out why my child couldn't catch a common cold, but everything always came out fine. In fact, as he got older he got better. He was on Asthma medicine that worked wonders for him. He could catch a cold and it be a normal cold. Well on November 22, 2009, the worse day of my life, Ayden aspirated and we nor the doctors were unable to unblock his airways for an hour. He went into cardiac arrest and was without oxygen for an hour. The doctors were confused and unsure why it took so long to "unblock" his airway. Later while at Children's hospital they noticed in a xray that his breathing tube was being pushed to the side. They feared that he still had something blocking his airway, so they put a camera down his airway to check it out. Then we found out why Ayden's airways was never truly "unblocked". In fact, there had been a permanent blockage there for his whole life. He had trachea stenosis, which is the narrowing of the airways. Ayden's airway was 2 times smaller than it should be, about 2mm. Then he had a Pulmonary Vein Sling that wrapped around part of his trachea which made his trachea even smaller and created a large blockage. and he had pulmonary veins of the heart.

It kills me daily, probably even hourly, that I was unaware of his issues. I wish I would have known, I wish I could have saved him, I wish I did more for him. I know there were many opportunities to find out his issues, I am also aware that they were very severe and surgery would have been extensive. We like to think that God was protecting Ayden from something worse. What can be worse? I don't know what could be. The only thing I can think of is him going through all the pain of surgery and not making it and I would have had much less time with him than I did. I must say he did have an amazing 22 months of life and gave us the best 22 months ever. Does that make it better? Again, i dunno. Here we go with that silent screaming again. I just don't know! I would have done ANYTHING for him, anything to protect him, but I keep having to remind myself that i'm not always in control and that God is. I just want him back, I want all of this to go away. Kenji, my husband, always tells me that God wasn't protecting us but protecting Ayden, protecting Ayden from a lot more pain.. Still so hard to understand and grasp, even though I JUST typed it out.

So again, today is the 22nd. I know it's just a number but it impacts me tremendously. Life will never be the same because of that day. Ayden brought so much happiness to my life and I'm having a hard time finding my happiness, mainly because it's in Heaven.

Earlier this morning I had to bring one of our Dogs to the vet, the assistant calls us back and says, "oh kenji didn't get to join you today." Pleasantly surprised because I always like hearing Kenji's name and I told him unfortunately work had a hold of him. Then he says, "You must have also been able to get a babysitter too." I just started to cry. I feel bad for the people that have to interact with me, but please never feel bad for making me cry. I much rather hear Ayden's name and talk about him then not, even if it causes tears to shed. This was one of the first times that someone was very well aware of my child and unaware of what happened. I had always wondered if the women in walmart would ask about him, but I never thought that the male vet assistant would remember my little man. I guess why wouldn't he remember Ayden? He was pretty unforgettable.

Speaking of walmart, I was there today, grocery shopping. I have gone grocery shopping maybe only a handful of times by myself since Ayden passed. it hurts not having Ayden there with me to keep me company. He use to love helping me out and throwing stuff into the cart for me. There were lots of moms with their children today, which is totally fine, I use to be one of those moms. I just feel like now i'm in this bubble just rolling around. Anyone can look at me and at first glance one would probably notice that I am very pregnant and I am married. But there is so much more, probably why I wear a necklace with Ayden's picture. It hurts that at first glance people don't see that I am the mother of this precious little boy. Of course it is no ones fault and I don't expect people to know what they don't see. Who's to say that the woman shopping next to me isn't going through the same thing? I just wish he was there with me, because he is such a big part of me and I wish I could physically show that. So for now, i wear a necklace with his smiling face.