nights vs. mornings

I'm always so relieved to go to bed at night - it is the time that I feel I have an excuse to try and rest my head. I'm usually totally emotionally exhausted by the time i go to bed. The relief is well welcomed, even though I am asleep and unaware. I do wake up multiple times and I am usually awake for a few hours in the middle of the night but I'll take it, my poor husband could leave it tho. It's also the time I find myself praying a lot. God has heard the same prayers over and over and I purposefully try to pray for 5 other people because it's so easy to stay in the same continious circle. I often even forget to pray for the little one growing inside of me. It's amazing how grief can consume your whole being.

As it's a relief to go to bed at night, for me, it's slightly another story waking up in the morning. I find that I always have a song in my head when I wake up in the morning. For some reason it's there, I don't even know when I think of it but it's usually a song that reminds me of Ayden. This morning it was, "Spring is Coming" by Steven Curtis Chapman. Probably because I could hear the bird outside that made a little nest on our house. So before I even open my eyes are hear this song, it's a sense of relief. When I finally have the courage to open my eyes and reality slowly starts to come back. I usually notice the lovely headache that I have from the tears that were cried the day prior. I see his picture on the wall and it hits me again like a semi. I try to control all the emotions and grab dog head (Ayden's favorite stuffed animal). Dog head still smells like Ayden, it's nice. I think I could stay in bed all day, if it wasn't for a two bountiful Bichons I probably would.

Currently I'm eating Baked Ruffles - Cheddar and Sour Cream. I can hear ayden saying, "yummmm.." in my head. So clearly - like he is here eating them with me. These little things make me smile. I wonder if in Heaven he is still a little boy or if he will be an older boy or even an older man. I mean when someone passes away and they are 95 years old, can they still age? I could probably type all day but I wont. Leave some for later - I will post one of my favorite pictures. I remember when I took this picture thinking that whatever these two are looking at must make them really happy! That would be me ;)