"just keep swiming"

I really shouldn't go this long with out writing. Even though not too much has changed - you know other than the addition of our baby girl Aurora. We have gone from a Family of 3 to 4. What a blessing she is. It has been extremely difficult adding her to our family, but slowly we have been able to separate her and Ayden. I just wish death wasn't so final, it is one of those things in life that you can't change. I still find myself praying for a miracle to bring him back, even though I know it isn't possible. One day I was at his gravesite and I prayed just that, for Ayden to come back, the second after I said those words I heard the horn of the train --Ayden is buried next to a train track, perfect for a little boy. I can hear the train from my home and I always think it's a little part of Ayden -- Anyways, after I heard the train coming I started to cry and smile. It was like God was telling me I still had him. Perhaps it's silly, but it's those little things that keep me going.

The other day was particularly a hard day. This might all sound crazy, I just needed to experience something familiar. Well I walked into Ayden's room and I set up his bed like I would for him. I laid out his Supra Car PJs where he would lay, those are the last thing he wore, I haven't and wont ever wash them. I laid dog head next to his pjs, turned on his music and his twilight turtle, then laid down in his bed like we would every night before he would go to sleep. That is where I stayed the whole night. I haven't listened to his bedtime music since he passed away. It brings back so many memories, of course some are good and some are tough. After Ayden passed away - Kenji and I held Ayden in the hospital bed. We turned on his music and his twilight turtle and sat there for hours holding him. It was like we were putting him to bed for the last time. I miss him.

Oh - his monument was placed a couple days before Aurora was born. I was so excited to see it. The day after we came home from the hospital Kenji planted flowers in front of his monument while Rors and I hung out in the car. I wish that he was here to see her and play with her. I would love to hold them and cuddle them both together! I like to think that he had something to do with her making or perhaps they met each other. I mean he went to Heaven and she came from Heaven, right? maybe? lol. Another one of those little "keep me going" things. :)